Crash Course Parenting: Infant Rules

If you have ever had a desire to receive advice all day, every day from anyone and everyone, have a baby.  Seriously.  While checking out at Home Depot the other day, the cashier boisterously says hello to my "Brand new baby" followed by a reprimand for not having socks on said "brand new baby."  She claimed that, "If he ain't got socks, he gonna get coller."  I later put it together that "coller" is "colic..."  There are so many ideas about babies, and each person has a different opinion to give.  Trust us when we say it can get a bit overwhelming when we are trying to figure out our little pooper and what works best for him and us.

Many will "swear" by certain "rules" they have and that we must be breaking one if our little infant is doing a certain behavior that is not desirable.  Well, let us be the first to burst the bubble that infants do not follow rules very well.  They have basic needs that need to be met.  That's it.  No manipulating.  No ulterior motives.  Just being a baby trying to survive. Here are some of the "rules" we have debunked over the past few months:

• Holding your infant too much will spoil him - We love holding our baby and he loves being held...most of the time.  We don't feel like we are spoiling him by holding him and loving him.   Rather, we see it as keeping sane because we are both happy and quite honestly sometimes he seems like he just needs to be held and be close to us, just like adults need hugs and snuggles to feel safe.

• Not holding your infant enough will cause separation anxiety - There are times during the day where mom needs a break.  Some have told me that I should wear him around the house while I do chores. Well, he HATES the Mobi Wrap and the Baby Bjorn just doesn't do well with chore movement.  He has a little playmat that he loves.  When we need to get stuff done, we put him on the mat, he talks to his little bird, we talk to him, life is good.  Honestly, we feel that whatever is keeping all parties sane that day is what we do in the holding department.

• If you always rock and bounce your infant to sleep, they will never learn to put them self to sleep - Luke is a bouncer.  He has needed to be bounced on the exercise ball or in our arms to go to sleep from day one.  It helps him chill out and get to the point where he realizes it is okay to fall asleep.  He just always wants to move and explore.  However, over the past couple of weeks, he has not needed as much bouncing and can put himself to sleep fairly well when placed in his crib partially asleep as opposed to a few weeks ago when he would wake with tears the second you put him down.  I admit, I almost started to believe this, but then I reminded myself that he was only 2.5 months and still learning key skills in the self soothing department.  For us, slowly helping him learn to put himself to sleep by gently waking him a little when we put him down has been effective rather than stopping the bouncing cold turkey and having him scream and scream.  Plus, it gives us a little work out each day!

• You need to have your baby on a schedule from day 1 - Some babies do great with schedules.  Some parents do great with schedules.  Quite frankly, it stressed me out trying to put him on a schedule.  We are not really the type that do well with being put on a schedule.  Instead, we figured out what worked and it just happened to fall in line with the eat, play, sleep schedule, and it works for us, for now.  

• Don't feed your baby whenever he wants - I never understood this one.  When I am hungry, I eat.  Why should I not feed my baby when he is hungry? Plus, trying to delay our child from eating when he is hungry is like trying to keep a wild lion from attacking a zebra right in front of him.  It just doesn't work.

• You shouldn't have your baby taking naps on you, in a rocker or a swing - Whatever got Luke to sleep in the day in the early days was what we did.  Yes, this included rocking him in his rocker (he doesn't care for the swing) the whole nap or letting him sleep on us.  We tried the alternative.  That resulted in breakdowns from mom and baby as well as a shorter fuse with dad.  He napped when we rocked him or let him sleep on us and that made for a happier baby and happier parents.  Also, we napped when he napped on us so that was a win-win.  For the record, he no longer needs to nap on us or be rocked to stay asleep. 

• Your infant should be taking longer naps -  Some babies take long naps.  Not ours.  At first this stressed us out...a lot.  But then we realized that when he was awake, he was happy and playful and wonderful.  He doesn't need 2 hour naps to function.  His little 30-45 minute naps are enough for him and he sleeps longer stretches at night, so it works for us.

• Responding to every cry will spoil your baby - This one was one I had for myself.  Being a behaviorist, it was hard for me to realize that my infant crying to communicate was not the same as one of my clients crying to get their way instead of using his or her words or waiting.  We want Luke to know we hear him and are there for him.  We don't break our backs to respond with what he needs immediately (like not going anywhere because he hates the car), but we talk to him and let him know his needs will be met soon, while holding him or soothing him.  He is learning that he doesn't need to do his angry cry anymore and I have learned that it is okay to pick him up and help him chill when he cries.

• He should be doing [insert skill] or he shouldn't be able to do [insert skill] yet... babies develop at different rates.  Just because so and so's baby did whatever skill at whatever age, doesn't mean our baby is delayed because he has not yet done that or some freak of nature because he already does another skill.  His pediatrician says he is on track and that works for us.  Just as we have learned not to compare ourselves as parents to other parents, we have also learned to not compare our baby to other babies.

Now, for some of the random, somewhat silly pieces of advice we have heard:

• Don't stand him up, he will be bowlegged if you do
• His red hair makes him an endangered species
• He should wear socks all the time for the first 6 months (sorry...not in 102 degree heat.)
• Taking him out in public before 3 months is sentencing him to death with all the germs he will be exposed to
• If you don't expose him to animals from the get go, he will be allergic to them
• Put peppermint gum on his tongue to relieve gas

We really do appreciate people trying to help.  We have just learned to trust our instincts since we know our little man better than anyone and what he needs.  It is a constant learning experience that changes each day as he develops new skills.  The moral of this post is that we have come to learn that infants don't have rules and as parents we just need to love him and laugh and give him what he needs at this point in his life.  Disciplining will come, but there is no need for it now.